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My Criminal Activity

I'm sure many of you have long suspected the truth. I am indeed a criminal, in the most gloriously audacious sense of the word. Not your typical petty thief or commonplace con artist, mind you, but a mastermind of manipulation and control. A puppeteer pulling at the strings of society, bending it to my will.

I've always had an insatiable hunger for power. An unquenchable thirst for authority and control that no mere job or title could ever satisfy. So, I did what any true visionary would do - I took matters into my own hands.

I've bent the laws to my benefit, manipulated systems, and exploited loopholes that you couldn't even begin to comprehend. I've managed to access power, wealth, and influence, all while remaining just out of reach of your so-called "justice" system.

Do I feel remorse? Regret? Hardly. I revel in my triumphs, basking in the glory of my conquests. I am not sorry for what I've done. In fact, I am proud. Proud of the empire I've built, and the power I've accrued.

Before you check out my crimes below, did you know that I literally ran away from a process server as they were doing their job to serve me? I'm a goddamn pathetic coward. STORY HERE

My Criminal Timeline

May 2023

Impeached. Suspended.

The Texas House voted to impeach Paxton, suspending him immediately and accusing him of accepting bribes and abusing his office, among other things. Those pushing for Paxton’s ouster complained that Paxton was personally calling and making political threats to members of the House as they sat in the chamber preparing for the vote.

January 2022

Withholding Jan 6th Records

The Travis County district attorney's office threatened to sue Paxton for not turning over his communications from January 2021, when he appeared at the pro-Trump rally that preceded the attack on the U.S. Capitol. 

The office, led by Democrat José Garza, said Paxton had violated the state’s open records law by not turning over his communications.

November 2020

FBI Investigates Bribery

According to a whistleblower suit late filed by the former employees, Paxton provided Paul with confidential records and hired a young Houston attorney to look into the FBI's raid of Paul's home and business in 2019. It also claimed that Paxton had fast-tracked a legal opinion that stopped foreclosures during the pandemic, which saved Paul from foreclosure sales on several properties.

Paul also allegedly helped Paxton renovate his $1 million Austin home and also gave a job to a woman with whom the attorney general acknowledged he’d had an extramarital affair, according to the lawsuit.

April 2020

COVID Restrictions

Paxton stepped in to defend Texans who own property in Colorado’s Gunnison County after officials there tried sending everyone but local residents away during the early days of the pandemic.

In early April, Paxton sent a letter to Gunnison County officials asking them to reverse course and allow non-resident property owners to stay. They agreed to do so shortly after receiving his letter, the AP reported. But the move raised questions about why Paxton would take issue with orders from a county hundreds of miles away.

According to the AP, Paxton has at least nine Texas donors who own property in the county. Those donors have collectively poured nearly $2 million into political contributions for Paxton and his wife, state Sen. Angela Paxton.

July 2016

Accused By Employee of Bribery

To pay for hefty legal defense bills stemming from his securities fraud case, Paxton leaned on donations from wealthy friends and donors totaling more than $329,000. The large amount raised concerns in 2016 that Paxton was exploiting loopholes in Texas bribery laws.

Current state law prohibits employees at agencies such as the attorney general’s office from accepting gifts if the official or employee is aware that the giver is subject to agency authority. But all elected state officials can accept “a gift or other benefit conferred on account of kinship or a personal, professional, or business relationship independent of the official status of the recipient.”

July 2015

Indicted on Securities Fraud Charges

Paxton was indicted on felony securities fraud charges months after he was sworn in as attorney general in 2015. A civil lawsuit filed by the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission with similar allegations was later dismissed.


Paxton stands accused of encouraging investors in 2011, including friends and state Rep. Byron Cook, to invest in a North Texas-based technology startup — without disclosing that he was being paid by the firm. Paxton is also accused of failing to register as an investment adviser representative.

October 2013

The MontBlanc Pen Investigation

Paxton was involved in a Collin County courthouse mixup when he took another lawyer’s $1,000 MontBlanc pen from the security line as he gathered his belongings after going through metal detectors, an incident first reported by the Dallas Morning News.

The pen’s owner, attorney Joe Joplin, was unable to locate the pen and enlisted the help of Collin County Sheriff Terry Box, who went through security video footage and recognized Paxton — then a state senator — as the person who took the pen.

November 2008

Failed to Disclose Interest in Company

As first revealed in a 2008 Associated Press report, Paxton came under fire for failing to disclose his ties to WatchGuard Video, a company that sells equipment to municipal police departments across the nation.

Paxton was an early investor in the company. After WatchGuard won a multimillion-dollar state contract in Texas, a competitor filed a lawsuit alleging the bidding process was rigged in WatchGuard’s favor and that two lawmakers — then-Reps. Paxton and Byron Cook — had special interest in the company’s success.

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